BEAUTIFUL

My friend, Kami, heard about my story, and asked me to write something about being beautiful. I am not really a writer, but this is what I wrote.... (hope you like)



Beautiful

I thought I was happy. I thought I was beautiful
I thought I had a great marriage. I thought I had a great family
Yes, there were some faults with my marriage, but I thought we were working it out
I thought we were happy

Then, my whole life changed. Life would never be the same again
It was August 2007
My husband refused to work, so I was the sole provider
My unit was getting ready for deployment again
I hated leaving my family, did it once before, but needed to get by
Getting ready to leave for another year to Iraq
I was working on a fuel truck when my back started to hurt
I went to bed thinking it was just sore
Went to the Army Hospital 3 times in one weekend
They took me seriously when I no longer could walk or use the restroom
They told me I had a hematoma on my spine due to a big blow
1 in a million chance they said
If we waited another hour, I would have been paralyzed for life
Went in for Emergency Surgery
Woke up and could not feel my body from the chest down
It hurt so badly
My mom, dad, and sister flew in
They told me I had staph infection
8 years earlier my step dad became paralyzed and 11 days later died of Staph Infection
My mom was in shock!
I was so scared inside
All I wanted was my husband to love me and be there for me
I had to beg and beg him to stay in the hospital
He said it was just too stressful on him, but finally agreed to stay
I found my kids a baby sitter, he refused to help me call
I slowly started to relearn to walk

One and a half months later, I was ready to go home
Medicine made me sick, throw up all over the car, he refused to pull over
He refused to help me clean it up—this was not the same man I married years before
In lots of pain, using my walker, I cleaned it up
I did not want to stress him out any more than I had
I asked him if he could get a job, I was unsure how much I would heal
He got mad, told me that I promised to work years before
I started feeling ugly
Was I really that important? Did anyone really love me?

My friend that I was deployed with in Iraq a year before asked to come over
She was pregnant, out of the army, and was bored
She told me that in a month she was going to Utah till her husband got back from Iraq
I would love some company, all I could do was sit on the couch
I introduced her to my husband and we all became friends
I could not do much, so my husband and she became great friends
I became jealous
She stopped going home, slept on our couch
Even tried to take over my kids
I told my husband that I did not want her around anymore
Told him to pick either her or me
He said he wanted both of us
I told him to pick one
He left, went to her house!
He used to tell me that I was beautiful
The most beautiful girl in the world
He no longer wanted me, he wanted HER!
I truly felt ugly and wanted my old life back

Halloween 2007, he came to my house. My brother in law called to tell me he was over
I could not drive, could not feel my legs still, still on a walker
I was so excited—I thought he wanted me back
Maybe he wanted to work things out
My sister drove me home, luckily she had my keys
Since she had my keys, it saved my life
He asked my sister and brother in law to wait outside while we talked
We went into my bedroom, he shut the door
He did not want to work things out, he came to fight
He wanted a clean slate, he said
He did not want to take his bills, he just started a job, he wanted me to take care of all of them
I told him no, the bills in his name, he takes
The bills in my name, I would take and pay for
We started to scream at each other
He threw me on the bed, and started to cover my mouth
I could hardly breath, I started to struggle and scream
He started to stuff the blanket down my mouth
I screamed some more
He told me if I did not knock it off, he was going to kill me, then himself
The look in his eyes… I believed him
He started to choke me
I was weak, but with all my strength I screamed and struggled
How can this man that I had loved for 10 years now try to kill me?
He was choking me, trying to take my life

My sister did not hear the struggle, but had a bad feeling come over her
She unlocked my house door, and was going to sit on the couch in case I needed her
Once she opened the door, she heard choking noises,
Ran in my bed room, and saw him strangling me
She jumped on him, trying to get him off me
He threw her in the hall
During this time, I grabbed my phone, trying to call 911
He grabbed my phone, before I was successful
He threw it against the wall, and broke it
Sarah went running out of the house screaming
She yelled “call 911, somebody please call 911”
My husband looked at my brother in law and said
“Stay out of this, before I have to kill you too”
He heard my sister’s screams and ran out of the house
My neighbors called 911
He was arrested a few hours later

I felt ugly, I felt awful
How could God do this to me?
Did He really hate me that much?
I went to church weekly—I did everything He asked me to do
How could God let this happen to me?
Within 3 months, I had a great life, and then everything fell apart
I hated myself, I hated everyone
I did some self-destruction
I made choice that I have regretted to this day
I went from independent to dependent
I needed help with everyday activities, needed help taking a shower
The man, I loved was gone, he tried to kill me
I felt ugly from the inside out

3 years later.
Tomorrow is Halloween
My life has gotten better
I have my kids
I remarried
I am retired from the army
I go to school and have a job that I love
It is still hard to trust people
I struggle everyday learning to trust my new husband
I felt ugly for years
But I survived
But I am slowly realizing again that I am beautiful
I am a child of God, He does love me
It is hard, but I am glad I came back to my Father in Heaven
I am beautiful, I am God’s child