Tuesday, November 22, 2011


I am such a lucky women! I think I have had my share of trails in my life. But to be honest, I am so grateful for all my trails. I do not usually see it at first, but later I usually see it. I am so lucky to have 4 great kids, and married to the man of my dreams!

I saw my ex husband yesterday. I remember all the hard ache I had when everything went down. It was heartbreaking to me! I felt like my life just fell apart, a part of me just wanted to die. Now, I am SOOO GRATEFUL that I am no longer with him. He is NOT the man that I want. He is not the man for me. Now, I am married to Rocky, he is the man for me! He is strong in the church, which is so important for me. Having the same beliefs is a huge stress reliever in a marriage. Rocky LOVES me sooo much. He would do ANYTHING for me. Yes, we fight. But all couples fight. We are learning to live with each other that came from two totally different families. Rocky also supports me. I am able to stay at home, and be a momma to my kids. Such a huge blessing. Rocky proofs his love for me everyday that he goes to school and work and lets me stay home with the babies. Rocky also does not want to be here in Utah, all his family and friends are in Kentucky. But he is here for me, he cares about me that much, that he will sacrifice family and friends for my family and friends. Even if I want him to go back to KY someday for him. There is just so many things about this man. I am so lucky to have him. And if I did not go through the trail that I went through, I would not have him. You know the song, "Unanswered Prayers." I think that song pertains to me. I THANK GOD EVERYDAY FOR UNANSWERED PRAYERS, BECAUSE NOW I HAVE ROCKY!!! I really do hope that for Kody and DJ's sake, my ex, his wife, and Rocky and I can all get along. We saw a glimpse of getting along for the first time in 4 years yesterday. That made Kody so happy. So I hope it can continue.

Last night, Kody hooped danced for the governor of Utah for Indigenous Day. Governor Herbert signed something to declare it an official holiday, and celebrate the opening of Natural History Museum of Utah. I video taped it, but only have the first part, cause my stupid camera died in the middle of it, and then I can't find the thumb drive to help me tranfer it. But just trust me, he did a GREAT job. I am so proud of him.

Then we have Mr. DJ. I miss DJ sooo much! On our way home, he called us. He wants us to visit him on Thanksgiving. So I need to find a babysitter so I can see him. He is making so much progress, and doing so well. I love that kid to death!

Logan is just a smiley boy! He smiles at everyone. And he loves to play! He is just sucking on everything, and starting to find toys to play with. He is learning to become a good roller. I love this stage! He has the cutest laugh!!

Lilly is our miracle baby! We are just lucky to have her. You can tell the sweet spirit that she has. And she LOVES patty cake! She will smile every time with Patty cake.

I belong to two different facebook groups that have babies/ kids that have HIE just like Lilly. All these mommas have very similar stories as I do when their babies were born. It is a support group. The two groups are called "Hope for HIE Forum" and "The Beautiful Faces of HIE." I love these groups, it is teaching me sooo much. I feel like I am not alone with this, and I can post any questions about Lilly, and many of the mommas have gone through the exact same thing and have advise for me. It has helped dramatically! Anyways, there is one mom that wrote a poem. I asked her if I could share with others, cause it is beautiful! It reminds me of Lilly when she was first born:

He’s my son. (By Margaret Hall)

You lie there. Unaware of the panic that now surrounds you.

Your head bobs with each compression. Yet still you lie there.

You make no noise, while inside I am screaming.

You have not yet been introduced, yet Daddy’s heart hurts with love.

I turn to him now, and wait…

The silence is unbearable. I wait…

A single tear runs slowly down his face. Yet still, I wait.

I cling to hope and faith and pray that soon the silence will stop.

You are fighting so hard, I can feel it.

You already bare the scars of a courageous war.

You are beautiful, perfect.

Don’t give up now.

Brave warriors join you in your battle.

They heard your silent calls for help.

They take you from this fear filled room

And surround you with warmth and your first glimmer of life.

Comforted by the machines that now support you,

We adapt to our new role as spectators of your fragile beginnings.

The rise and fall of your chest is addictive to watch

Not daring to look away, for fear it might stop.

Your leg starts to shake. My heart misses a beat.

You shake all over now, and an alarm sounds.

Once again your silence is heard

And the brave warriors return with unquestionable vigilance.

They fill your precious body with healing liquid

And you return to your silent post.

Days go by and slowly but surely your enemy shows signs of defeat

The rise and fall of your chest is fighting against the machines

And you inhale your first scent of life.

We are full of emotion as our skins touch for the first time

We cry and imprint this memory in our souls

We stare at this work of art, taking note of every line

Not wanting to forget a single moment.

There is cryptic talk of damage to your brain

I am sure that this must be wrong

It feels unreal and we look at you lying there so innocent

How can this angel be so perfect and have so much that is wrong.

The tears fill our eyes as your life is unveiled

And we hurt deep inside for the loss of a boy we once dreamt of

But here is this child so handsome and strong

Our purpose is clear, no more questions need asking

He is perfect, he is needed and loved, and most importantly

He’s my son.

Did you like it? I love it!

I am so thankful for my ward (church). I told my Relief Society president that I was struggling. Especially cause Lilly was crying so much. Her new medicine has helped that, but I still could not get anything done. So during church they passed around a list for women that are willing to come help me. Everyday, someone comes and just help me hold or play with the babies so I can feed them easier, clean, take a shower, if I need I can take a nap, etc. I am so thankful for that. I am in the process for getting home health to come in, and have a nurse come help me with Lilly for a few hours, they think I my insurance will approve it. I sure hope so. That will help me a lot! But for now, I have this.

To end this blog, and say Happy Thanksgiving to all, I must say I am thankful for my religion! I am so proud to be a member of "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints!" (Mormon). I wish everyone had the knowledge that I have. I wish I could share the church with everyone, because it brings me so much happiness. I am thankful that I know who I am, that I know where I came from, and I know where I am going. So many people around the world are searching for that knowledge, but I have it. I think if it was not for that, I would be struggling so much for with Lilly's diagnoses. But I know this is exactly how she is supposed to be. She is one of Gods most valiant souls! She is an amazing. And when you hold her, you can feel it! I am so thankful that God has entrusted me with such a beautiful child! I think she will teach us so much than I will ever teach her, she is already teaching me.

I am so grateful that we have a prophet on the earth today. I am so glad that President Monson guides us today. I am thankful that the church is the exact same church, and we will learn the same things no matter if we are in Europe, Utah, Kentucky, China, etc. I love how organized the church is.

I know I am up for some more trails, but I am grateful for them. It has made me the person I am today!


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